Tuesday, October 16, 2012

It's my stupid birthday again

So tomorrow is my birthday and once again I'm a bummed out pile of whiny.  I hate my birthday.  I've hated it for as long as I can remember.  Most people want piles of presents, maybe a party, or to just be with their family.  I like to sit on my ass, maybe have a drink or 12, watch tv or read a book, and just to be left alone.  Bake me a cake and get out of my face.  Sounds kind of harsh doesn't it? 

As far back as I can remember most of my birthday's have sucked major donkey balls.  I honestly can't remember a good one I've had since I was about 14.  Even my 21st which is supposed to be the birthday of all birthdays kind of ended up sucking in the end.  I ended up taking care of a bunch of drunk, puking fools all night and making sure no punches were thrown. :-/  Now making fun of drunk idiots can be amusing, but not when they are puking in your car, or fighting.  I'm a small girl.  I can't be trying to break up a fight between two big grown ass men, and I shouldn't have to. 

On top of all that someone usually picks a fight with me on my damn day.  Never fails, a snarky smart ass, rude comment will be thrown my way.  Never freaking fails!  This is why I normally end up avoiding all people except for my immediate family, and I even avoid them a little.

Now normally I'm a glass half full kind of girl, but when you are going on your 31st birthday and you can only look back and remember one kick ass day out of 31, it tends to jade you a little.  I always start out the month with a little skip, and little optimism, but as the dreaded day gets a little closer, I get a little more pissy.  I can't help it.

Now I can tell you two things that have been done for me to redeem my day.  This year my husband and sister bought me tickets to go to a show, and meet some stars from the show after it was over.  This absolutely made my year.  My birthday will still suck as it usually does, but I will have the memories from that awesome day, and no asshat can take that away. 

The second was after my 21st.  I was dating this guy that completely ruined my birthday.  He was one of the drunken idiots.  The following weekend we went out again to try and salvage my birthday, and guess who got drunk and started acting like an idiot?  Yep that guy.  So I made him leave, and went out with my husband who was just my friend at the time.  We spent my birthday at a strip club, and a couple dance clubs.  Now that was an interesting day, and maybe a blog post for another day.

Anywho, I'm sorry to be such a debbie downer, but as you can tell I hate my birthday.  I try and stay positive anyway, and occasionally feel a little excitement about it, but it's just hard to stay positive about a day that's shit on you for the last 16 years.  I love my husband, because since the day we became friends he's tried to make it a special day for me, and no matter what he always gets at least a little smile out of me on the poo day.  So today and tomorrow I'll be hiding out on my couch in my yoga pants.  I probably won't even wash for the occasion.  I'll try to stay a little positive and at least be happy about living another year, but I can't make any promises. 


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

My girl

Now I know you've all heard me talking a lot about the girl lately.  I'm just so damn proud of her I can't help it.  I'm going to tell you a little bit about her, and hopefully you won't get sick of hearing me talk so much about her.  She's just been through so much that she deserves praise, and love even if it's from random internet folks who she will probably never meet. 

I met the girl 14 years ago, and she's been part of our family ever since.  I went to school with her parents.  She's always been like a niece to me.  Sometimes a bratty niece that I wanted to toss out the window, but a family member nonetheless.  She stood up in my wedding, and we picked her up all the time to spend weekends with our kids.

A few years ago she came to live with my family.  I won't get into all the details on this, because I don't want to badmouth anyone.  I'll just say she'll be with us until she's 18 or older, and her parents have exposed her to things that no adult should even be exposed to.

Despite all the things that she has seen, she's been an honor roll student since the day she started school.  She's been to about 7 different schools in her short life, and still managed to keep those grades up.  She's even had a ton of absences and late days, up until she came to live with us, and still stayed an A student.  I got a letter from her school last week.  She has to go take some tests because she scored so high on her state standardized testing last year.  Now I have it in writing that she's gifted.  She'll be taking high school level tests.  Tests that kids take to get placed in college.  How amazing is that?  

Did I mention she can sing?  Like really sing.  One thing I love is music, and very few people can move me to tears, but she does every time.  Once when she was much younger, she was singing at her schools talent show and the teacher accidentally stopped the cd.  Most kids would have died on the spot.  Not the girl.  She stood up there on the stage, and told her teacher to start the song over and then she nailed that song for the second time.  Last weekend she was invited to sing the National Anthem for a breast cancer benefit at a racetrack near us.  She was so nervous she was shaking.  I walked her around the park and encouraged her as much as I could.  By the time she went on she was calm enough to do it.  Nailed it!  People came up to me outside to tell me they thought she was professional singer and they couldn't believe she was only 14.  The caption on her photo for the racetracks fb page says she was one of the best the park has ever had.  I can't even tell you how proud I am.

I love that girl, and I'm so very proud of her.  I tell her this every single day.  We have talks about what she's going to do with the rest of her life, and I reassure her that she is better than her family ever was.  She's smart, she's beautiful, and she's a total sweetheart.  She helps me with the housework, cooking, and even taking care of the other kids.  She's made dinner for us on more than one occasion just because she wanted to.  Last night she did two loads of laundry after she finished her homework without me even asking her to. 

I'm so happy and blessed to have her in my life, and to have her be part of this family.  I actually couldn't imagine my life without her now.  I don't hate her parents.  I feel sorry for them.  They have missed so many great moments.  All her solos at her school concerts, all the awards she's been given, and what a great kid she's become.  We couldn't save them.  I'm still heartbroken over that.  All we can do is make sure that their daughter doesn't turn out like them.  So far I think we've done a pretty good job.  Way to go girl!     


Tuesday, October 9, 2012

My addiction

People have told me I drink too much.  Truth is, I don't drink enough.  Two to three alcoholic beverages a week is about average for me, depending on the kind of week I've had or if there is a party going on.  If there's a party double that number.  If I run out of booze (that never happens) I don't crawl around shaking, sniffing rubbing alcohol, or go begging for money for my next bottle.  I just make a wish for more beer when that happens, and then I drink some chamomile tea. 
Want to know what I'm addicted to?  COFFEE!  Like I'm so addicted to coffee I would lose my mind if coffee went away tomorrow.  I would beg, steal, and maybe even sell my children for one little sweet cup of that amazing bitter devil juice.  Here's a story about my coffee addiction.  This is also probably in the top five angriest moments of my life.  A bear almost lost his life over this.

A few years ago we only had one vehicle.  We lived in a very small town but there was a store and gas station, kind of in walking distance.  Me and the little walked there a few times a week to pick up extra things we needed, or just to get out of the house. 
One dreadful morning I woke up and went straight to the coffee pot, like I do every single day.  I opened up the coffee container and to my horror, there was only about two teaspoons of coffee in there.  WHAT THE F*CK!!!  I called up Mr. Sexy Bear and ripped him a new one.  He was the last person to make coffee.  Why didn't he tell me that there was no more?  Why, why, why???!!!!  I'm losing my mind and shuddering just thinking about it. 
Ok not a problem, I'll walk my tired ass to the gas station.  The coffee there sucks, but it will at least hold me over until my husband gets home with more coffee.  Go outside to check the temperature.  F*ck me!  It's cold outside.  Did I mention it's winter?  I have a baby in the house.  Ok not a baby, baby.  He was probably around two, but still.  Do I make him suffer and freeze his baby ass off for my addictions?  No that's not right.  I can do this. 
I make a cup of tea.  It's not the same!  It's not even close.  I drink the tea while still steaming mad over the fact that my husband forgot to tell me there was barely any coffee.  He decides now would be a good time to call me.  He's very apologetic over this whole horrible situation he's put me in.  I tell him not to freaking call me until he is on his way home with coffee in hand, and even then I won't be speaking to him.  Just let me know he's got the stuff. 
Now I'm pacing the house.  I need coffee.  I will settle for a teeny tiny little cup.  Just need to a few gulps of the nectar of the gods.  Just two or three gulps.  That's all I'm asking for.  Enough to get me through the next few hours. 
Go back outside to check the temperature.  F*ck!!!  It's still winter, and I still have a baby here.  Everyone I know that loves me enough to bring me coffee is either working or dead.  F*ckers!
Ok Panda baby.  We can do this!  That's me talking to myself.  Another cup of tea.  Tea still sucks.  Hubs calls AGAIN to let me know how sorry he is for not telling me we are out of coffee.  "SERIOUSLY LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!  I WILL KILL YOU!  I'M SERIOUSLY MORE PISSED OFF AT YOU RIGHT NOW THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN!  IF YOU WERE IN FRONT OF ME RIGHT NOW I THINK I WOULD HIT YOU!"  That ended that conversation.  He decided it was best to leave me alone until he brought the stuff home.
Ding!  Idea brewing, like the coffee that's not!  I remembered I had a few little teaspoons of coffee.  I would boil some water and run it through a filter in a mug.  Hopefully that would be enough for me to get a semi strong (I like my coffee to put hair on my chest) cup of coffee. 
As I stood there pouring boiling water over and over into that few tablespoons of coffee that moments ago I had considered snorting, it hit me.  I'm addicted.  I'm highly addicted to coffee.  I've paced the house, and neglected my child all day, because I was out of coffee.  Here I stand with my caffeine headache, and slight shakes, holding that filter with the tiniest bit of coffee grounds like it is a newborn baby.  I'm pouring that water ever so gently so I don't lose one little drop of that coffee.  If I had spilled it I would have sucked it right off the counter top.  I drank that little cup of coffee in about one minute.  It was like a little cup of weak Heaven. 
Mr. Sexy Bear came home with new container of coffee, and I snatched that shit right out of his hands without saying a word.  He didn't say a word either.  He knew that it was best to leave me and my coffee alone.  After I finished humping it, I brewed the strongest pot of coffee I've ever had in my life, sat my addicted ass in the kitchen, and whispered sweet words only coffee understands.  I got that night off of mommy/wife duties, and I just drank coffee like I've never drank coffee before.  I think I had a coffee orgasm. 

After that experience I thought it was best that me and coffee not see so much of each other.  I could no longer drink my pot a day, because I couldn't survive without it.  Now I only have two cups a day, and I've switched over to tea in the late afternoon and evenings.  I never want to experience that again.  Even now the memory of it haunts me.  I still reach for my coffee the second I wake up, and don't function without that first cup, but now I only allow myself two cups a day.  One in the morning to do the breakfast/cleaning thing, and one in the early afternoon for a little pick me up. 
So yes I have a drinking problem.  I'm Panda, and I'm a coffeeholic.  I can say that for sure now.  I've been to dark places, and I've done many things for coffee that I'm not proud of.  I hit rock bottom and I did something about it.  Now you try and touch my booze or chocolate, and I'll rip your arm off and beat you with it. 
Hubs has been forgiven, and he has never made that mistake again.  I love you dear husband!  Now I can laugh about the time I almost killed you for a cup of coffee.  Drink coffee!  It will help you type dumb stories like this one.  Have a great day!   

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

My confession... I'm a slacker

First I want to say, I love running my facebook page. I started it because I thought that it would be something fun, and mostly because I know my friends and family were getting a little sick of some of my more vulgar posts.  What can I say?  I'm an a-hole sometimes.  I kept doing it because I got many messages and comments thanking me for doing it. When someone tells you that you make their day brighter, it feels damn good.  This is why I will continue to do it, unless you all want me to stop.  I guess I'll just have to talk to myself if that happens. 

A lot of you know that I've found myself in a bit of a funk since last winter. I've been stressed. I've been depressed, and it seems like life just keeps kicking me. I've been doing things to change it.  It's been a struggle, but I'm in a pretty good place right now, and it's been better.  Still not great, but definitely better.

Before I get to my confession let me start by telling you, only my youngest is my biological child. This is why you mostly hear me talking about him. That's a long story, and one I'm not going to get into probably ever. I have four kids. They are all mine in one way or another. Only the two I mostly post about live with me full time. I'm telling you this so I don't get any comments asking why I'm only talking about one or two of my kids in this confession.

My confession...

I'm a slacker
I have not been that great of a parent. I've been a good mom, and I take care of my kids, but I haven't been great. I used to be great. I used to work with my youngest every day. He was as smart as most four and five year old kids, by the time he was two. The depression/stress took that mom away from him. Yeah I get up and feed him, get him dressed, kiss him, hug him, and all that stuff that moms do, but I haven't gone above and beyond like I used to.  I've been a slacker.  I took great pride in how well I took to being a mom.  I was kind of a natural, and what I didn't know, I researched the hell out of and figured it out.

Two reasons I am admitting this publicly.  The first is I want to continue to run my page, and even blog once in a while, but I will not be around as much.  The second reason is maybe someone else will read this and realize they need to make some changes too.  I never thought my page would actually help people, but I have the messages to prove that it has.  I don't want to give that up.  We all need a little laughter in our lives.  It's what keeps me sane. 

So if you have noticed that I haven't been around that often this last week, it's because I've been making it a point to spend more time with my kids without my cell phone, or the internet on in the background.  How can I limit their electronic time, when I'm glued to the computer/phone as much as they are to the television/video games? 

Today I spent the whole late morning/afternoon with them at the park, and I never even took my phone out once.  I sat there and I watched them play on the slides, and climb the bars, and I smiled and yelled words of encouragement.  Every time those kids looked up to make sure I was watching them, I was.  I took them on a long nature walk where we talked about everything we saw.  We saw weird plants, mushrooms growing all over, cool looking spider webs, tadpoles, frogs, fish, and even a couple of deer up close.  These are all things I would have missed if I had my head buried in my cell phone. This is an activity that a month ago, I wouldn't have felt like doing because I was being a slacker. 

This evening I spent about an hour coming up with a schedule that I'm hoping will keep everyone happy, including me.  My family used to follow pretty strict routine, and that worked for us.  That routine kept my house clean, gave my family time with me, and gave me time to myself.  I will not be around as much, but will continue to post daily, just not all day.  My phone will not be glued to my side any longer.  my computer is only getting turned on at night when the kids are in bed, or if it's our scheduled free time.  I'm done being a slacker.  I have the best family in the world.  I am not going to put them off to the side any longer.  They need me and I need them.  This lazy slacker will still be lazy, but not when it comes to the kids.  They make me smile, and I want to make them smile.

I want to say thank you to the likers who will stick around, even though I won't be there as much.  As for the ones who won't, well I'm sorry to see you go, but my family is more important to me.  Much love to my likers!  And with that, I'm out.  Tomorrow starts the first day of the new schedule and I have to get up early for the first time in months.  Wish me luck!  xoxo~Panda          


Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The words that changed us


One of the scariest words I know.  I'm not an emotional girl at all.  Most people that know me think I should have been born with a penis.  It's true.  I should have.  I don't have an easy time sharing or showing my feelings.  I don't cry at the drop of a hat.  I wasn't one of those crazy screechy giggling high school girls.  Even sitting here trying to type this is hard on me, because I don't share these kinds of things often and I'm about to get a little deep here.  Maybe I have pms.  Who knows? 

Besides the depression (which I've shared.  Read the blog) I've also been dealing with some physical issues.  I'm physically unable (not sure why but I'm seeing a Doctor) to do the things that I used to do.  Through all this MB (Mr. Bear) has stood by my side.  He will come home from working 10-12 hours and do a sinkful of dishes, get the kids bathed and ready for bed, straighten up the house, mow the lawn ect....  That's only a small list of some of the things he does for me.  I know he doesn't want to, but he does it anyways.  He does this because this is what we do for each other. 

Three or four years ago this would have never happened.  He would have came home, seen something wasn't finished, and made a smart ass comment or gave me THE LOOK.  You know the look.  The "you're an asshole" one.  The look that needs no words.  The look that makes you feel small again.  The look that makes you feel you're not good enough.  And I would have thought "F*CK HIM!" and not gave two shits that he was tired, and worked his ass off ALL DAY to keep a roof over our heads and put food on the table.  The next day I would call all my friends to talk about what an asshole he was, and most of them would agree with me.

I'm not going to dwell on the bad things that happened.  I could tell you a million and one other ways MB and I hurt each other, but that is in the past.  Once you let those little things go and start to work on the issues, it doesn't matter anymore who did what to who. 

Two women, thankfully didn't sit on the phone with me and let me bash my husband all day.  They both said "Did you ever stop to think about how he feels?", and I realized that I hadn't.  In almost 2 years I never once stopped to think about how my husband feels.  He got up every single day and went to a ball busting job to bring home money to a bitch, (Yes that's me) that couldn't even get up off her ass to make him a plate of food.   

That's when I decided to make some changes.  Even if we didn't work out, he deserved some credit and some recognition for the things that he did for me, that I probably didn't really deserve.  Yes he could be an asshole, but there were a lot of things that he did do that I never gave a second thought to.  I started thanking him for those things.  I thanked him for going to work so I could stay home with the kids.  I told him I appriciate everything he does for me and the kids, and I started doing more for him. 

I noticed that the more I did for him, the more he did for me.  I cooked dinner, and he would clear the table.  He started helping me more with the kids.  Little by little we were becoming friends again.  We talked more.  We laughed more.  We basically started dating all over again.  There was a little more work involved and one self help book, but we don't have all week for me to tell you the story.   

Today my life may be partially in shambles but that has NOTHING to do with my marriage.  We still get into arguments, but we work it out.  We are open and honest with each other.  We are best friends.  I may be going through some things that are causing me to be a little lazier then usual but he is understanding about it, just like I would be if he was going through something.  We pick up each others slack.  If I don't do the dishes, he will.  If he doesn't get time to mow the lawn, I do it.  We are a team. 

If my marriage struggles have taught me anything they have taught me when a friend is ranting about their partner, my job is to listen.  I never fuel that fire.  I listen, and I usually try to help them see the other side of it, just like two women did for me.  That and I always remember to say thank you.  Thank you and I appriciate you!   





Tuesday, May 15, 2012

What was I thinking when I signed my kid up for sports?


Right now I'm sitting here drinking a glass of wine, about to go for my second and it's all because Tee ball is the devil.  Why the hell do we sign up for shit like this?  Two kids are playing in the dirt, two are LAYING down in the field taking a little rest, and the pitcher is sitting down just chilling like he doesn't have a job to do.  My child is one of the dirt throwers. 

It's hard b/c you don't want to stand there and scream at your kid the whole time like an asshole, but at the same time you just want to rip them off the field and kick them in the ass.  You can't do that b/c that's considered child abuse, so you stand there like an idiot and just pray that the ground will open up and swallow you.  Before anyone gets all pissy, I would never kick my kid in the ass literally.  Relax!  I honestly had no idea what to do.  MY freaking kid played in the dirt THE WHOLE GAME! 

Do they not bench kids anymore?  I would be perfectly fine with the coach laying the smack down and throwing my kid on the bench, or making them run laps.  Even raising his voice every once in a while.  He's a very nice man, but I can see he's stressed with these little monsters. 

What's my role supposed to be?  We practice at home.  We go over the rules before the games.  My child is very well behaved IN EVERY OTHER SITUATION.  People love to take my kid b/c they are so good.  Why can't the little shit just behave at Tee ball?  Until I come up with a solution, I'm just going to have to bring wine to tee ball.  Wine at tee ball would definitely help me.  WINE!!!!