Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The words that changed us


One of the scariest words I know.  I'm not an emotional girl at all.  Most people that know me think I should have been born with a penis.  It's true.  I should have.  I don't have an easy time sharing or showing my feelings.  I don't cry at the drop of a hat.  I wasn't one of those crazy screechy giggling high school girls.  Even sitting here trying to type this is hard on me, because I don't share these kinds of things often and I'm about to get a little deep here.  Maybe I have pms.  Who knows? 

Besides the depression (which I've shared.  Read the blog) I've also been dealing with some physical issues.  I'm physically unable (not sure why but I'm seeing a Doctor) to do the things that I used to do.  Through all this MB (Mr. Bear) has stood by my side.  He will come home from working 10-12 hours and do a sinkful of dishes, get the kids bathed and ready for bed, straighten up the house, mow the lawn ect....  That's only a small list of some of the things he does for me.  I know he doesn't want to, but he does it anyways.  He does this because this is what we do for each other. 

Three or four years ago this would have never happened.  He would have came home, seen something wasn't finished, and made a smart ass comment or gave me THE LOOK.  You know the look.  The "you're an asshole" one.  The look that needs no words.  The look that makes you feel small again.  The look that makes you feel you're not good enough.  And I would have thought "F*CK HIM!" and not gave two shits that he was tired, and worked his ass off ALL DAY to keep a roof over our heads and put food on the table.  The next day I would call all my friends to talk about what an asshole he was, and most of them would agree with me.

I'm not going to dwell on the bad things that happened.  I could tell you a million and one other ways MB and I hurt each other, but that is in the past.  Once you let those little things go and start to work on the issues, it doesn't matter anymore who did what to who. 

Two women, thankfully didn't sit on the phone with me and let me bash my husband all day.  They both said "Did you ever stop to think about how he feels?", and I realized that I hadn't.  In almost 2 years I never once stopped to think about how my husband feels.  He got up every single day and went to a ball busting job to bring home money to a bitch, (Yes that's me) that couldn't even get up off her ass to make him a plate of food.   

That's when I decided to make some changes.  Even if we didn't work out, he deserved some credit and some recognition for the things that he did for me, that I probably didn't really deserve.  Yes he could be an asshole, but there were a lot of things that he did do that I never gave a second thought to.  I started thanking him for those things.  I thanked him for going to work so I could stay home with the kids.  I told him I appriciate everything he does for me and the kids, and I started doing more for him. 

I noticed that the more I did for him, the more he did for me.  I cooked dinner, and he would clear the table.  He started helping me more with the kids.  Little by little we were becoming friends again.  We talked more.  We laughed more.  We basically started dating all over again.  There was a little more work involved and one self help book, but we don't have all week for me to tell you the story.   

Today my life may be partially in shambles but that has NOTHING to do with my marriage.  We still get into arguments, but we work it out.  We are open and honest with each other.  We are best friends.  I may be going through some things that are causing me to be a little lazier then usual but he is understanding about it, just like I would be if he was going through something.  We pick up each others slack.  If I don't do the dishes, he will.  If he doesn't get time to mow the lawn, I do it.  We are a team. 

If my marriage struggles have taught me anything they have taught me when a friend is ranting about their partner, my job is to listen.  I never fuel that fire.  I listen, and I usually try to help them see the other side of it, just like two women did for me.  That and I always remember to say thank you.  Thank you and I appriciate you!   






  1. Absolutely. And AMEN! Good for you for seeing through all the crap to what you should be thankful for. It's TOUGH!

  2. Marriage is a roller coaster. Good on you both for working on it, and figuring it out. People aren't puppies that you love when they are adorable and ignore when they grow up into not-so-cute dogs. It's a tough world, but a lot easier when you work together. Congrats, Panda baby :)

  3. I'm happy that the two of you found a way to communicate that works, congrats to both of you! Relationshits are hard work, and health issues make them ten times harder. And thank for sharing this, kinda hits home right now.