First I want to say, I love running my facebook page. I started it because I thought that it would be something fun, and mostly because I know my friends and family were getting a little sick of some of my more vulgar posts. What can I say? I'm an a-hole sometimes. I kept doing it because I got many messages and comments thanking me for doing it. When someone tells you that you make their day brighter, it feels damn good. This is why I will continue to do it, unless you all want me to stop. I guess I'll just have to talk to myself if that happens.
A lot of you know that I've found myself in a bit of a funk since last winter. I've been stressed. I've been depressed, and it seems like life just keeps kicking me. I've been doing things to change it. It's been a struggle, but I'm in a pretty good place right now, and it's been better. Still not great, but definitely better.
Before I get to my confession let me start by telling you, only my youngest is my biological child. This is why you mostly hear me talking about him. That's a long story, and one I'm not going to get into probably ever. I have four kids. They are all mine in one way or another. Only the two I mostly post about live with me full time. I'm telling you this so I don't get any comments asking why I'm only talking about one or two of my kids in this confession.
I'm a slacker
I have not been that great of a parent. I've been a good mom, and I take care of my kids, but I haven't been great. I used to be great. I used to work with my youngest every day. He was as smart as most four and five year old kids, by the time he was two. The depression/stress took that mom away from him. Yeah I get up and feed him, get him dressed, kiss him, hug him, and all that stuff that moms do, but I haven't gone above and beyond like I used to. I've been a slacker. I took great pride in how well I took to being a mom. I was kind of a natural, and what I didn't know, I researched the hell out of and figured it out.
Two reasons I am admitting this publicly. The first is I want to continue to run my page, and even blog once in a while, but I will not be around as much. The second reason is maybe someone else will read this and realize they need to make some changes too. I never thought my page would actually help people, but I have the messages to prove that it has. I don't want to give that up. We all need a little laughter in our lives. It's what keeps me sane.
So if you have noticed that I haven't been around that often this last week, it's because I've been making it a point to spend more time with my kids without my cell phone, or the internet on in the background. How can I limit their electronic time, when I'm glued to the computer/phone as much as they are to the television/video games?
Today I spent the whole late morning/afternoon with them at the park, and I never even took my phone out once. I sat there and I watched them play on the slides, and climb the bars, and I smiled and yelled words of encouragement. Every time those kids looked up to make sure I was watching them, I was. I took them on a long nature walk where we talked about everything we saw. We saw weird plants, mushrooms growing all over, cool looking spider webs, tadpoles, frogs, fish, and even a couple of deer up close. These are all things I would have missed if I had my head buried in my cell phone. This is an activity that a month ago, I wouldn't have felt like doing because I was being a slacker.
This evening I spent about an hour coming up with a schedule that I'm hoping will keep everyone happy, including me. My family used to follow pretty strict routine, and that worked for us. That routine kept my house clean, gave my family time with me, and gave me time to myself. I will not be around as much, but will continue to post daily, just not all day. My phone will not be glued to my side any longer. my computer is only getting turned on at night when the kids are in bed, or if it's our scheduled free time. I'm done being a slacker. I have the best family in the world. I am not going to put them off to the side any longer. They need me and I need them. This lazy slacker will still be lazy, but not when it comes to the kids. They make me smile, and I want to make them smile.
I want to say thank you to the likers who will stick around, even though I won't be there as much. As for the ones who won't, well I'm sorry to see you go, but my family is more important to me. Much love to my likers! And with that, I'm out. Tomorrow starts the first day of the new schedule and I have to get up early for the first time in months. Wish me luck! xoxo~Panda