Saturday, December 31, 2011

New Year's Resolution

Three years ago I found my happy.  I had my little family unit and we were tucked away from the world in out little safe haven we found.  We had family time, laughed, danced, ect....  Sunday's were spent together watching sports or playing outside.  At night we'd tuck them in and spend at least an hour together talking watching our shows.  We were literally the happiest family I knew.     

This year I lost my happy.  I'm not sure when it happened but somehow it escaped.  Money and family problems crept in like thieves in the night and suddenly I found myself in the darkest place I had ever been in.  With me being unable to deal with my issues I've watched my family also spiral out of control.  We are all just going through the motions and just surviving. 

Watching me struggle and trying to keep it together has changed them all.  My youngest has picked up some nervous habits, and my husband no longer smiles like he used to.  We have succumbed to the electronics and no longer spend as much time together.  I'm not as patient as I once was.  It breaks my heart and I feel like I'm failing at the most important job I've ever had.  Depression is one of the worst invisible diseases.   

I've realized that I am the glue that holds my family together.  If I fall, we all fall.  I finally got up the courage to talk with my husband about how I've been feeling.   I finally said the words that I needed to say.  I need help.  I can't do this anymore.  I hate the way I feel.  I want my happy back!

My New Year's resolution for 2012 is to get my happy back.  This isn't just some resolution that I can make and then not stick to.  My family needs me.  My family needs the old me.  The me that is positive.  Yes I can be positive, believe it or not.  2012 I will go get my head screwed back on straight.  I will spend more time with the ones I love.  I'm going to fake it until I make it.  Wish me luck!  xoxoxo    

Friday, December 23, 2011

It takes a village, but we don't have one anymore

When I was child I remember whenever someone new moved in our neighborhood my mom would always bake them a casserole or bring them a coffee cake.  We would stop by to say hi and welcome them into the neighborhood.  They would be invited over for coffee.  They would be welcomed into the neighborhood circle.  We'd get the scoop on where they were from and get to know each other.  They were invited in to the bowling league.       

Summers were spent outside.  The parents all brought out their lawn chairs at 7 pm and sat around gossiping around a million citronella candles.  The children played midnight tag, kick the can, and caught lightning bugs.  We swam, we rode bikes, and we played outside all day.  We went fishing together at the lake.  Kids were piled up in cars with one parent to go to park.  You always had someone to go outside and play with.  We didn't play video games or take them with us whenever we somewhere.  You were never bored.

You could go where you wanted.  There was someone you knew on every street.  Every parent watched out for every kid.  If you were doing something bad someone knew about it and so would your parents by the end of the day.  There was always someones parent willing to watch you at the local pool.  If a parent wasn't around there was always an older brother or sister there to look out for us.  You could be a mile away and still be safe. 

There was no daycare that I knew of.  If your parents worked either your grandparents or a neighbor watched you.  If you got sick at school there was always someone willing to come and pick you up if your parents couldn't.  When your parents had to go out for an evening they could find a reliable babysitter.  Even if you were left alone you knew you were safe because your mom let the neighbors know they leaving for a little while.  There was always someone there.  You were never alone.

When I look back on my childhood I remember all those great things about my neighborhood.  We don't have that anymore.  Neighbors live next to each other for years and barely wave to each other.  People don't stop by to welcome you to the neighborhood and there's no trust.  Summer nights are spent inside with your family.  There's not kids everywhere chasing lightning bugs.  There's no happy squeals when they get them.  No jars getting filled.  No midnight tag.  No night walks.  This makes me sad.  Sad my kids won't get to enjoy the world I did.  I'm sad that we're so busy worrying someone might hurt us, we aren't out there meeting the people that won't.  They say it takes a village to raise a child, but we don't live in a village anymore.        

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

No more kids!!!!

I always wanted to get married and have kids.  I wanted at least three but when I met the man of my dreams, he already came with two.  Ok fine I can work with that.  I will settle for two kids of my own and that will be good enough.  Fingers crossed I get one of each.  A boy and girl would be a perfect addition to our family. 

I got pregnant right away because me and the hubs are that good!  Went for the check up and the doctor said the baby was small but everything looked ok.  We were so happy.  Fast forward two months and during the ultrasound they couldn't find a heartbeat.  There would be no baby for me.  I was fine with it.  I believe everything happens for a reason so we would just try again when the doctor gave me a clean bill of health.  I'm a tough cookie but this is a story for another time.   

Fast forward two years and we finally got pregnant again when we weren't even trying.  I was ecstatic but scared to death at the same time.  I did almost everything I was supposed to do.  Put the smokes down, ate healthy, and cut down to one cup of coffee a day.  The coffee was the hardest part.  One little cup a day.  Kill me now.  I listened to relaxing music and tried to stay stress free.  If it wasn't for that one evil coworker I would have done it.  Stupid jerk!  I hope she got crabs.  I read every birth/baby book I could get my hands on.  I was prepared! 

Finally the day arrived and I started having contractions.  So excited!!!  It's going to happen, and it's going to happen in time for the little booger to be a TAX DEDUCTION!!!  You go little man!  Great timing!  I won't go into great detail about the birth but I will tell you this.  NO AMOUNT OF PREPARING FOR A BIRTH WILL PREPARE YOU FOR A BIRTH!  It's gross, and it hurts more then anything you've ever felt in your life.  I FARTED ON MY DOCTOR!  Sorry bout that doc.  Who signs up for that job?!  Finally after about a year I finally pushed that little turd out.  My poor vagina but he was a beautiful little poop stain so yeah I guess it was kind of worth it. 

Now it's time to take my little bundle home and I'm so ready for this.  I read every book there was to read.  I can do this.  I'm ready for it all.  Bring it!  I was a kick ass breast feeding mama and I was doing amazing.  About a week into it I got sick and had to quit breastfeeding for a little while.  I pumped still and breastfed when I could but, I also had to supplement with formula.  I wasn't happy about this at all but before all you breastfeeding mama's jump on me, trust me I tried everything and called every breast feeding number there was.  Having to quit breastfeeding broke my heart.  It also turned my sweet little bundle into a colicky screaming maniac.

Now my days were spent with this screaming miserable little monster.  It was fine because I learned I am a very, very patient person.  Instead of tossing him out in the snow I sang him songs about tossing him out in the snow.  My days were spent watching the clock waiting for my husband to come home so I could take a 15 minute break and go take a bath.  Sleeping wasn't really an option because little maniac never did.  The only thing that would shut him up was a few songs and a bath.  We listened to a lot of music and took a lot of baths.  Eventually we got his formula straightened out and I had a almost normal baby.  Still dealt with the nighttime colic screaming but we just played pass the screaming baby.

Finally after a year we got him sleeping through the night and I had a happy kid.  He was running (never quite got that walking down) and talking and happy.  I would back to that age in a heartbeat.  It was my favorite time.  I could finally take a bath and sleep and have a glass (or two) of wine.  I could watch my shows, and leave him home with Daddy, and after he went to bed I could be alone with Daddy.  We had the perfect little family. 

With all that happening to me I never could quite get up the guts to try again for another one.  What if we have another colicky baby?  How will we deal with all that?  Plus I really love my coffee now.  How will I go on 2-4 hours of sleep a night with a baby and a toddler?  There might not be my nap time break because they may have different sleep schedules.  How will I live without nap time?  How will I live without my 1-2 glasses of wine a week?  Can I handle a baby when I'm in my 30's?  I asked myself all these questions for three years and then told my husband to go ahead and get the big snip.  The three we have will definitely be enough.  A family of 5 is good enough for me.  We are happy and this is good enough for me.  Some people just want one baby.  I was lucky enough to get two with marriage (easiest labor ever!) and give birth to one.  Blessed!  The road to getting there, not so much.  xoxoxo     


Friday, December 9, 2011

Kids today at Christmas

With the Christmas season coming up faster then I can afford I've been thinking about a lot of things.  Christmas always depresses, mostly because I'm missing all the people who are no longer.  It's also hard on me because of how materialistic we've become.  This is supposed to be the season of love and peace, but instead it's all about who can buy their kid the most expensive toy.

When I was a kid I only got a couple of toys and few new outfits.  We didn't have a lot of money and I didn't get spoiled.  Yes there were a few times when I would go to friends houses and see their piles of presents and get a little pang of jealousy but what I looked forward to more then anything was getting to see my family.  There was so much laughter and food.  The food!  Ahhhh how I miss my grandma's cooking.  That woman could make a shoe taste good.   

My poor neglected children only get three presents wrapped under the tree, and whatever little items I can fit in their stockings.  They've never complained about it, because it's all they've known.  There are no cell phones, no computers, and no $400-$500 video game systems under my tree.  One gift is toy for fun, one is something practical that they need, and one is an educational toy.  I refuse to spoil my kids. 

My wish for everyone is that they spend a little more time loving their family and a little less time on material items.  Don't just open your presents and go your separate ways.  Sit down and read a Christmas story.  Make some hot chocolate and sit down and just talk and be together.  The greatest gift you can give your kids is time.  They might complain at first but these are the memories they will always keep in their heart.  They won't remember what you bought them, but they will remember that time spent together.

Happy Holidays to you and yours!